Thursday, July 14, 2011

Just Not the Natural Order of Things

Sometimes I wonder how things would be if I were still a stay at home mom. I stayed at home for the first 8 months of my son's life and towards the latter part of those months, I felt like I had lost my identity. Between nightly wakings, dirty diapers, nursing, cooking, cleaning... I felt like a robot. I believed so deeply that if I only found a job, then I would feel like myself again. Many of us mamas know how tough motherhood is and as much as we love our little ankle biters, they change our lives DRAMATICALLY. And after awhile, all you want is to get back to some level of normalcy. So I prayed and prayed and prayed...

And God answered my prayer. So I started working, and at first I felt revived. This is how its meant to be, I thought. Now I'm me again. Now I'm whole. Except, no - I was actually leaving a part of me at daycare. Not whole at all. And like that, discontentment reared its ugly little head again. All of a sudden I felt like I was missing out on all the wonderful moments in my little guy's life. Working felt like it was sucking the life out of me. Robbing time away from my husband and son. I work evenings (cuz that's all I can find right now) so my husband gets to put lil monster to bed all week. He gets all the goodnight hugs and kisses. The most I get is the 11pm diaper change where I quietly steal kisses as he snores and wiggles his little toes.

And that's where I'm at right now. I prayed so hard for a job, and now that I have what I wanted, I feel just as lost as I did before I began. It just doesn't feel like the natural order of things. But what really does?? If I could have a happy medium, part time work and part time home, would I then be content? Or would I just move on to the next thing that's not "fair" about my life?

So many questions, and not enough answers. I can go around in circles thinking about my situation. But I have to leave it in God's hands. My parting thought is from Scripture, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:33-34). Easier said than done, but I'll always keep trying.

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