Oh, What a Mixed Bag of Nuts am I!

Sometimes my head feels like a mixed bag of nuts. Being a new mom has been incredibly wonderful/emotional/scary/exciting and my opinions about my life change depending on what day or time you ask me. My son is 4 months old now and time seems to be flying by! (Note to baby: Don't grow so fast please!)

Over the past couple of months, I became a new mom, my husband lost his job, he then found a new job, I graduated with a Master's of Science in Mental Health Counseling, and as of now I'm trying to figure out where I fit in the grand scheme of things. I was hoping to stay at home with the bambino until he was at least a year old but God has a different plan, it seems. My husband earns enough for us to survive (barely) where we're at, but doesn't afford us to do the things we've been hoping for such as move to another apartment in a quieter, safer neighborhood for our son, and start to save up for our dream home.

So I've been having mixed feelings. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. If I choose not to work until the baby turns 1, we'll have to re-sign the lease and our goal of having a better life for him would be squashed. (Did I mention that we only have one bedroom? So by that time he'll be a toddler , and a toddler sleeping in our room will. be. chaos.) But if I choose to get a full time job at the end of the summer so we can have two incomes and start working towards our plans, then I feel like I'll miss out on some major milestones that my pumpkin will go through.

I have this fear that I'm going to hear from my mom or a day care worker that baby said his first word. Or took his first step. But where was mama? Out in the rat race unfortunately. I mean, I always knew that I'd eventually go back to work because I worked so hard for my Degrees and really want to help people with emotional difficulties. I even want to own my own practice one day. So yes, there are a number of things that are a part of my life goals that I would love to fulfill - but one little 16 pound chunky monkey has me all sorts of confused.

I try not to speak with my husband too much about it because he ends up feeling bad that he can't be the "ideal breadwinner" that he thinks he's supposed to be. But the fact is, this isn't the 1950s. We live in NY, the economy sucks, and we're both 20 somethings just trying to live and love life to the best of our ability. I mean, we're in this together so I don't feel any resentment towards him at all. I just wish that maybe we lived in a different state, where rent wasn't $1200/month minus utilities. Ahh well.

I think I know what I have to do, but it still makes me sad at times. I'm sure I'll feel differently once we're more comfortable financially and I'm decorating our new place and moving all of baby's toys into his very own room. But for now I'm going to continue being a mixed bag of nuts and enjoy every last moment being a stay at home mom. It's amazing how time can be your best friend and your worst enemy, all at once. Go figure.