So bittersweet. Well, right now it feels more like bitter. I graduated, got a job as a Family Therapist, and I start tomorrow. I've been counting down the days til I started work, only now to feel so lost as the day approaches. Last week we had a trial run with daycare so that I could be around to run to the rescue if he really was having a tough time. Well, he had a tough time. He cried for 4 hours straight, only taking a nap for 1 hour, then waking up for more crying. I kept calling for updates, and the daycare lady told me that she feels that we spoil him. How she came to that conclusion in only a couple of hours on the first day of watching an 8 month old, I have no clue.
In any event, I told her that he just needed time to adjust and that he's the only baby in our family right now so he gets held a lot. We don't spoil him at our house, but far be it from me to tell his grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins not to hold him when they see or babysit him. Thankfully he started to adjust towards the second half of the day, but it was still a traumatic experience for the both of us.
On top of that, his stridor got worse from all the crying he did. Stridor is "a high pitched sound resulting from turbulent air flow in the upper airway, usually heard on inspiration". He has had this stridor on and off since birth, but his pedi kept saying that it was normal for him, that he was just overly excited, and that we shouldn't worry. So every time he would get upset or very excited, he'd do that gasping/whistling noise. When he calmed down, it would stop. At some point, we though it might be Croup, which is an upper airway infection that can cause the stridor sound. But that turned out to be false since he never seems to have any cold or flu like symptoms along with the noise.
So of course, at daycare (where he probably was the most anxious since he came out of the birth canal), his stridor got really bad. The daycare lady started talking about not wanting to get her business shut down if he stops breathing, and all kinds of malarkey. So, to appease her, we brought him to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist. Turns out, I'm so glad we went because we now have a diagnosis for the noisy breathing. Thankfully it isn't severe, but our baby has mild Laryngomalacia. Laryngomalacia, also known as a "soft larynx", is "a very common condition of infancy, in which the soft, immature cartilage of the upper larynx collapses inward during inhalation." So when he gets excited and takes a deep breathe, the soft larynx fold together causing the whistling. The specialist said that it's genetic so somewhere along the line, myself or my hubby may have had family with the condition. And 95% of all cases correct themselves by 12-18 months of age. So though the daycare lady was a pain in my patoot, at least we now have a name for our little monster's squeaky breathing, and we're glad it's not asthma or anything life threatening.
But besides all of that, tomorrow I start work officially and I won't have the luxury of dropping everything and running to his aide if he is not adjusting well. And I'm a mess. I can't bare for him to be crying for hours again, exacerbating his condition, and just feeling lousy for the next week or two. This morning, I held him during his feeding, and just started bawling because I was picturing his little lip curled downward at daycare, looking around for mama and dadadadada (as he likes to call him). But at least he'll only be at daycare on Mondays and Tuesdays. We're very blessed to have family and friends who are willing to watch him for the rest of the week. So I guess The first two days of the week will be my nail-biting, stressy messy days, and then I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief once we hit Wednesdays!
Looking back on my time as a stay at home mom, I wish I didn't complain about the lack of sleep, time, or money so much. I was blessed to be able to spend 8 full months with my baby, 24/7. And though it was tiring, I at least was the one who cared for and spent the most time with him. Now he'll be cared for by others more than by his own mother, and that is something I'm still trying to come to grips with. In the long run, I know that this will be the best thing for us since we'll be in a better financial situation and be able to move to a safer, quieter and more spacious apartment/neighborhood. So I guess I'll have to bite the bullet, and hope that things fall into place. For today, I'll just enjoy my pumpkin's first Halloween, and revel in my last day as a stay at home mom. Alas, time is my worst enemy! Pray for me!