Sunday, December 11, 2011

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Grief


It's almost 10pm. I'm sitting here in the living room. Big M is sleeping. Little M is sleeping. It's quiet. Peaceful. Yet there isnt much peace going on in my head. I'm grieving a loss. No, thankfully not of any loved ones particularly. It's more of an idea. An expectation. I'm grieving the loss of how my marriage used to be, or what I thought marriage was always going to be like. Yes I still love my husband and of course love my little son but I miss that very first year of marriage. I miss the "getting to know you" stage. And since we did everything traditionally (as Christians), we really were getting to know each other in many ways. Now, four years later, we spend hours every evening sitting next to each other, but not being present with one another. We tap on laptop keys side by side. Comment from time to time about a funny show that's playing on the TV, play with our little one on the carpet next to each other...but still feel like there's an ocean between us. The fact is, having a child changes things. It's the most rewarding thing to ever happen to a person, but at the same time, you aren't the same people that you once were. I miss our spontaneous midnight White Castle runs, romantic vacations, or even just our lazy Saturday mornings where we slept in, then (you know the rest). Now it's more of a 5:30am daily wake up by a screaming toddler - "Hi mama! Hi dada!" blasting in our ear drums. And while I love walking into my baby's room and seeing his toothy/gummy smile... I miss my husband.

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
■ Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
■ Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
■ Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
■ Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
■ Go visit and link up and comment on other’s posts


  1. It's amazing to me how much a child changes things! I never would have thought that my husband would be so in need of "me" time or so jealous when I got some! Big sigh. I miss my husband too.

  2. I know what you mean, my sweet friend. The hubs and I have to carve out (literally) time for each other ... to focus on us and to catch up. Have you and M thought about going away for a night, just the two of you? It might help. We need it and are hoping to have one soon!

  3. I'm kind of on the opposite end here - we've been together for six years and now battling infertility with TTC our first child ... and while the distance starts to wash in sometimes, it's a battle sometimes to try and still make things spontaneous and romantic. it can be very droning and routine at times which really kills that flame. I hope that you and your husband find time together - even if it's just five minutes with no electronics to just smile with one another and talk :0) Hugs to you and your family!

  4. I get this totally. My husband and I were married for 6 years before I got pregnant. We enjoyed married life and it's made it easier to endure the years when a child takes over. We're still trying to get back to some one on one time.