Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Grief

It's almost 10pm. I'm sitting here in the living room. Big M is sleeping. Little M is sleeping. It's quiet. Peaceful. Yet there isnt much peace going on in my head. I'm grieving a loss. No, thankfully not of any loved ones particularly. It's more of an idea. An expectation. I'm grieving the loss of how my marriage used to be, or what I thought marriage was always going to be like. Yes I still love my husband and of course love my little son but I miss that very first year of marriage. I miss the "getting to know you" stage. And since we did everything traditionally (as Christians), we really were getting to know each other in many ways. Now, four years later, we spend hours every evening sitting next to each other, but not being present with one another. We tap on laptop keys side by side. Comment from time to time about a funny show that's playing on the TV, play with our little one on the carpet next to each other...but still feel like there's an ocean between us. The fact is, having a child changes things. It's the most rewarding thing to ever happen to a person, but at the same time, you aren't the same people that you once were. I miss our spontaneous midnight White Castle runs, romantic vacations, or even just our lazy Saturday mornings where we slept in, then (you know the rest). Now it's more of a 5:30am daily wake up by a screaming toddler - "Hi mama! Hi dada!" blasting in our ear drums. And while I love walking into my baby's room and seeing his toothy/gummy smile... I miss my husband.

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
■ Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
■ Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
■ Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
■ Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
■ Go visit http://allthingsfadra.com/ and link up and comment on other’s posts

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Post Pregnancy Weight Loss is Tough!

I'd just like to say that, yes, I was told that my body would change after pregnancy, but I had no idea what I was in for. Before Baby (B.B.) I was round-ish, but comfortable with my body. I would wear tank tops that would show off my arms, and my stomach was fairly flat - just with a little padding. I think I was about a size 10-12, and at 5 foot 7, I felt good about it. Now, After Baby (A.B.) I'm pushing size 14 and dare I say size 16 in one God-awful pair of Kohl's jeans that I'd like to cut up and burn in effigy. What the heck! I know that I'm about 10 lbs heavier than what I was B.B. but the way it sits on my body, I might as well be 30 lbs heavier. My boobs are bigger, and a bit saggish. I feel like I should be singing, "Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow..." My little monster would love mama singing that tune. I can see him clapping now, with his little chiclet grin. And let's not talk about my belly. I swear I still look 4 months pregnant. I look like a half deflated basketball. Gee, I know what I can be this Halloween. Pass me some orange paint and a black marker. In any event, I can't give up on getting my old body back. Or at least a healthier and toned version of the body I have now. I am very proud of what my body has done to birth and nourish my son. I just don't want my body to look like it's been through war either. So I press on. I will continue my journey through A.B. weight loss. I can't imagine having a 2nd baby at this starting point. They may just have to roll me into parent teacher's conferences in a wheel barrel!

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
■ Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
■ Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
■ Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
■ Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
■ Go visit http://allthingsfadra.com/ and link up and comment on other’s posts

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: My Husband's Guest Post

I told my hubby about Sunday Stream of Consciousness and he thought that it was a pretty nifty thing to be a part of. So I asked him to be my guest blogger for this week's exercise and he jumped at the opportunity. Let the record show, I did not pay my hubby, in any way shape or form (in the bedroom or out), for what he decided to write about. :) Enjoy!

My wife asked me to be a guest on her blog. At first I didn't really know what to write about. She told me to just say anything that comes to mind.

I would have to say I'm very proud of my wife. She's an excellent companion, mother, and a very thoughtful person altogether. Some may seriously regret being married. I can honestly say I do not regret it. I do develop the occasional twitch when she gets on my nerves. Ok, perhaps I'm embelishing a tad. The truth is we've had our share of troubled times.

I guess you could say I'm the type of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Yes, I'm quite emotional at times. She says she loves that about me. But just because I am emotional, doesn't necessarily mean I cry. But it doesn't mean I'm not stressed out. More recently I've been going through a legal battle with my former boss Isaac. He is an unscrupulous, self centered... ooppps, I promised I wouldn't lash out here. So why did I bring this up? Great question! The good that this has brought out is I am remembering to pray over my family more often. I'm remembering the basics of what any good christian home should include. It sounds simple but my wife has been a rock through this. She has been standing by me and praying with me.

My wife is my other half and I'm so blessed to have such a woman be my partner through the good times and the bad. I just hope there are more good times than bad ones. With the help of God I think its safe to say that we'll be ok.

Yes ladies, I am grinning ear to ear...

This was my [husband's] 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

■ Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
■ Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
■ Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
■ Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
■ Go visit http://allthingsfadra.com/ and link up and comment on other’s posts

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: The Baby Itch Attacks

Yup. I've got it. I've got the baby itch. At first I thought it would pass, but it's been a few weeks and I still feel the need for another little one! I'm a total nut because at this time, lil monster is a handful as it is. Plus work is tough, and i'm still working towards my counseling license. And we're still trying to rebuild our finances. We don't own a home, we rent. So it's just not the right time. But i can't help but miss the "new baby" smell. The newborn cry. The breastfeeding (yes ladies, I kinda miss that too). I miss having a little one that I can cuddle for an hour straight and baby being in total bliss over it. Lil monster is just growing up too fast. And I think that is the major reason why I'm feeling this way. He's such a little person now. With his own personality, his own decisions... ::sigh:: and he'll keep growing and growing from here! Next thing you know he'll be saying "C'mon ma, you're like sooo embarrassing!" arghh... I am not in a rush for that to happen. I just have to take a step back and make sure that I'm feeling these things for the right reason. I've mentioned my thoughts here and there to the hubby, but he hasn't really taken me seriously. I mean, he knows that it's definitely not the right time for us. But I can't help but dream of our baby #2 (maybe a little girl, woop!). I can't wait to see how lil monster treats his lil sibling. It's funny cuz I was helping in the Nursery at church today, and holding the little infants made this mama itch for a baby even more! And you know what MY little ankle biter did? He tried to push the 6 month old outta my hands, and even went as far as to pull her little hair! I was mortified. Very. In any event, it was nice to be around the little babies, even if only for 2 hours. It definitely confirmed that having more children is in my heart, but now if my finances and busy schedule could hop on board - that would be awesome!

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

■ Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
■ Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
■ Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
■ Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
■ Go visit http://allthingsfadra.com/ and link up and comment on other’s posts